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“Maybe instead, it’s about developing your voi

“Maybe instead, it’s about developing your voice…. “

I love this ❤️

From @once_upon_an_upset

“lot of people say, “Trust that inner voice.”

But if you were raised by multiple people, especially multiple toxic people—maybe step parents, half siblings, temporary caretakers, whoever—you may have acquired multiple inner voices to help you cope with all these different kinds of people. And all these inner voices can be loud, contradictory and confusing!

If this is your experience, maybe it’s not so much about trusting your inner voice, bc *everything* you hear may feel wrong, wrong, wrong…

And I’m not sure the answer is to figure out which voice is yours, either.

Maybe instead, it’s about developing your voice.

By deliberately sitting down with yourself or with a trusted listener, and figuring out what’s most important to you right now.

And then developing a voice that’s aligned with what’s most important to you right now.

Sometimes I think of this voice as my inner elected official, that represents the values and ideas that are most important to me, values I can anchor to and consult with when the chaos of life feels like it’s sweeping me away.

So that when I’m really triggered by someone’s behavior, I can consult this inner voice I’m developing rather than allowing one of those contradictory voices I’ve internalized to tell me I ought to just suck it up and deal with the feeling of being stuck and unexpressed, and then lash out later when another voice fills me with indignation.

The inner voice I’m developing might not always “feel” like the right voice, but I see it as more of a commitment I’ve made to represent my most healed perspective and ideas and to use my skills to communicate-to-be-understood.

This doesn’t mean my voice won’t grow as I collect more experiences and widen my perspective, because part of what’s important to me is to stay flexible.

And it doesn’t mean I need to try and get rid of all those other voices and perspectives. They’ll probably still be there, and that’s fine. I can accept that they’re there and understand why they’re there, because that’s also important to me—to see through the lens of understanding and compassion.”

Repost from @lexyflorentina • My practice is roo

Repost from @lexyflorentina
•
My practice is rooted in attunement, not regulation. And this is why. So much of the mainstream information around the nervous system has become coupled to this misconception that activation within our nervous system needs to be deactivated and regulated every chance we get. And I see this question come up alot in my work with folks - “why can’t I ca myself down when I’m angry or sad or feeling shut down?” And I always like to ask them “when did you learn that you needed to?”

So many of us, myself included, learned that we had to contain or suppress parts of who we are. So it makes sense that when we hear all this buzz about regulating the nervous system and shifting our states, that we then jump into the old ways we learned to shift and morph ourselves. But this way of living actually further disconnects us, further confuses us, further breeds the Shame fueled narrative that “something is wrong with what I’m experiencing.”

If you can relate, know you’re not alone. And know there is another way ❤️

There is something about this quote that challenge

There is something about this quote that challenges me (I’m not a fan of the notion “wounded people”) and something that rings a little true to me….

I think I am recognising that in the past there were parts of me that worked so very hard to earn respect, and I have come to acknowledge that part of me was truly yearing to feel seen, heard, and understood. Parts of me yearning simply to belong somewhere, hoping that by demanding respect I might feel less alone.

At the same time I am also aware that there was a pivotal point where I was able to say “no more”. And I did manage to find the strength to walk away (not sure it was with confidence though 🫣).

With that said, I do notice these parts of me that want to demand respect or try to demand respect still exist. They are still quite fearful sometimes that I can’t be loveable if I don’t earn it… and so, there are still times when parts of me take over trying to fight for respect and a sense that I might matter. It takes a lot to see those parts working so hard and to come back to a grounded sense of Self that knows she matters no matter how I am treated by others.

From this I recognise just how hard it can be to walk away and just how much courage it takes. Especially if experiences of disrespect have been ongoing and pervasive.

Even if you notice parts of you fighting for respect, remember that those parts are there for a reason- your parts a fighting for an unmet need…

Repost from @projecthappiness_org
•
We don’t need to fight to prove we are worthy of respect. We don’t need to prove our value to anyone, or to earn their respect.

There is something off in that situation. Have the discernment to see others as they are, and most of all to remember who you are. You deserve to be surrounded by people who know how to treat others. Adjust your interactions. Protect your peace.

Confident people walk away from disrespect. Wounded people try to stay and fight for it. @the.holistic.psychologist

#youmatter #worth #dignity #hope #care #abuse #trauma #strength #fight #respect #protection #value #humanity

There is so much joy and delight in the inner chil

There is so much joy and delight in the inner child in me - it’s just sometimes that inner delight succumbs to the trepidation of others expectations and my own perceived failings in “adulting”…

Repost from @brigitannamcneill
•
I have come to realise that my most potent guide and inspiration, is the child me. The felt memory of who I was before the taming, the should be’s and the concrete poured on top of me, a time when I was the closest to my soul I have ever been and my wild spoke to me just like the soil speaks to the seed.
————-
• ART by @taryndraws •

#art #hope #quotes #poem #fear #delight #child #adulting #trauma #memory #inspiration #self #lost

Repost from @ourembodiedhealing • If you’ve fe

Repost from @ourembodiedhealing
•
If you’ve felt especially dysregulated in the last week, that’s appropriate. That includes your anger, your waves of hopelessness, and everything in-between. It’s not dysfunctional, it’s a sign you’re deeply human and that you deeply care. And…having strong emotions and strong survival responses is always, always a message from our nervous system showing us what our body is needing or wanting us to do.

Feelings of anger and rage happen when our nervous system is in a state of sympathetic activation or “fight.” Our physiology in that state is asking us to *mobilize*. If we can tap into enough internal or external support for it to be safe enough to inhabit and hold the charge of our anger, we can take powerful action that’s in alignment with our values and vision.

Feelings of despair or hopelessness happen when our nervous system is in a state of dorsal vagal shutdown. Our physiology in that state is asking us to *immobilize*. If we can tap into enough internal or external support for it to be safe enough to allow our energy to be slower or lower, we can find the rest and pause we need to recover and restore, and ultimately, to continue forward after.

*Any* dysregulation, no matter the flavor, is an indication that we need more support or more connection in some way. Seek out those things wherever you can, in any source of relative goodness that feels true and real. Look for it in trusted others, in work that feels right, in the familiarity of the ordinary, in lighthearted and simple distractions, in dependable practices, and in the land and nature that surround and hold you each day. Every drop counts, and being resourced even 2% more is what’s going to allow you to show up for the people and things most important to you (including you 💓).

#dysregulation #fight #flight #shutdown #freeze #trust #trauma #alone #support #therapy #hope #hopeless

Sometimes this can be so hard - especially when th

Sometimes this can be so hard - especially when the embodied fear stems from that of relational disconnect created through shaming…

Repost from @theeqschool
•
If we want to work toward greater security & stability in our relationships, we have to learn how to tolerate emotional discomfort in our own bodies. We have to learn to be present to the discomfort of our emotional unfoldings without giving into innate urges to avoid, attack, or appease.

Instead we can learn to pause. To self-attune.

To be present to our own feelings, and to get curious about the deeper needs and perhaps older wounds being touched on by the current moment.

To validate the feeling and to remind ourselves that it is ‘okay’ to feel that way.

To see how our past is showing up in the present.

To self-soothe and to give ourselves reassurance first.

To find safety in our own bodies and our own presence - it takes practice, but I assure you, this is possible.

Because every human we’re in relationship WILL disappoint us at some time or another. Humans are fallible. We mess up. We hurt each other. And it doesn’t have to mean that it’s a bad relationship or that they’re the wrong person for us.

It’s recognizing that we’re both complex individuals with a lifetime of experiences that shape how we’re showing up in this moment.

That we both have sensitivities & patterns, and that we both always have room for growth. That we both need understanding and help sometimes.

So when moments feel hard, we can remind ourselves the we can can sit with the discomfort and we can learn how to stay connected to ourselves, so that we can show up feeling more supported and grounded as we navigate creating new ways of relating & connecting .

It all starts within. With knowing and being in relationship with your own body.

#body #mond #hope #trauma #therapy #emotion #fear #shame #relationshipgoals #relationship #together

Repost from @matthewlicata • We’ve all been gi

Repost from @matthewlicata
•
We’ve all been given experience in this life that we haven’t been able to process consciously. For whatever reason, it was just too much. Overflow in the vessel.

To turn toward it directly was a portal into overwhelm, shut down, collapse, and fragmentation. It was intelligent to protect a sensitive psyche and nervous system.

Emotional experience that is unable to be felt, articulated, made sense of, and integrated becomes sequestered into underground storage, into neural networks and shadow regions, held in our bellies, hearts, and throats; frozen and crystallized into our muscles, organs, and cell tissue.

From here, it colors our perception and capacity to imagine and play in reality.

Unlived, undigested psychic material becomes personified as the figures who come to visit us during the dream time as well as our dayworld fantasies.

Not as an obstacle to our path, but as an emissary of the path itself. A representative of a future wholeness; an ally of integration, though in an unrecognized, sometimes wrathful form.

There are moments in my therapy practice when I’ll be sitting with someone who is really struggling. But there’s a way that they can’t actually feel what’s happening, they can’t contact the felt quality of the open wound. It’s just not safe enough. And by this “someone,” I include myself.

There is no healing without the wound being open first, weeping and seeping, for a closed wound cannot receive the tincture. Inside the wound the medicine is already active.

In the very center of the physical and subtle tears, the lost orphans of psyche and soma reside, awaiting the nectar that will unfreeze and de-crystallize them, and reveal an open door.

It’s possible to slow down now, lay on the Earth, go into the forest, into inner and outer nature and unveil a portal to these ones, and communicate our intention, desire, care, and devotion to know and hold them, and to help them find their way home.

Art: @kristamarleena

#hope #trauma #lost #intention #communication

Repost from @pasadena_trauma_therapy • The holid

Repost from @pasadena_trauma_therapy
•
The holidays can be a challenging time for trauma survivors for several reasons:

●Increased Stress and Expectations: The pressure to celebrate and create a festive atmosphere can lead to heightened anxiety. Survivors may feel overwhelmed by the expectations to participate in social gatherings or adhere to traditions that may remind them of their trauma.

●Social Isolation: For some, the holidays can amplify feelings of loneliness, especially if they are distanced from family or friends due to past experiences. This isolation can trigger feelings of sadness or abandonment.

●Family Dynamics: Many trauma survivors may have complex or strained relationships with family members. Holiday gatherings can bring up painful memories or unresolved conflicts, leading to emotional distress.

●Loss and Grief: The holidays often highlight feelings of loss, whether from the death of a loved one or the end of a relationship. Reminders of what has been lost can intensify grief and trauma-related feelings.

●Triggers and Memories: Certain sights, sounds, or smells associated with the holidays may trigger traumatic memories. For example, familiar decorations or holiday music might evoke difficult emotions or flashbacks.

●Pressure to Conform: Society often portrays the holidays as a time of joy and togetherness, which can create feelings of inadequacy or shame for those who are struggling. Survivors may feel pressured to “put on a happy face” despite their internal struggles.

These are just a few ways that holidays could be challenging. Stay tuned for tips on how to navigate this holiday season!

Repost from @emily.sanders.therapy • Despite our

Repost from @emily.sanders.therapy
•
Despite our best efforts, some things can’t be rushed. ❤️‍🩹 We can can remain open and teachable so as not to get in the way of our healing- but like it or not, many significant things take time, in addition to reflection and effort.

#time #hope #health #mentalhealth #mental #intention #heal

At times I hold this belief… often this is where

At times I hold this belief… often this is where the perfectionist part of me shows up to protect me from those feelings of unworthiness…

Repost from @kayatoastforthesoul.sg
•
Hey you out there, are you a flawed human being too?

Perhaps are you - just like me - too sensitive at times?

Or too reactive or too emotional?

Do you have times when you react in a way that you don’t really like and deeply regret your actions afterwards?

Do you make mistakes and feel horrible about it too?

Ah I see.

Then hello there, my fellow flawed human being.

How nice it is to meet you.

To know that there are others like me, just like you, in this wide, wide world of ours.

A world where flaws are often shamed on, or otherwise hidden away and not really shown.

A world that prefers to only show the best “sides” of ourselves if possible.

Because apparently having flaws are a bad thing.

But how flawed is that in itself?

The idea that having flaws make you unworthy of acceptance?

Of being loved?

—

So this is me, just being me with all of my flaws.

Somedays are great, some days just aren’t.

Somedays I’m at my 100%, some days I’m just 10%.

Because I am a flawed human being, not at all perfect.

With many sides of me that can be criticised, looked down and frowned upon by people.

But here I am - still accepted, still loved by the people I love.

Just like you are or will be too.

Yes, even with all your flaws.

Because flaws are part of being human.

And human you are.

Still worthy of love.

Take care,
Hernping

🏕️

#flaws #humanbeing #worthy #enough #mentalhealth #depression #worth

Repost from @lexyflorentina • In the wake of our

Repost from @lexyflorentina
•
In the wake of our healing journey, we can so often question if what we’re doing is enough to make an impact on those we care about.

“How can I ensure that I don’t pass down my trauma to my kids?”

“How can I make sure that I’m changing the pattern from my parents marriage in my own now?”

“How can I be certain that I won’t end up just like the rest of my family?”

“How can I know things will be different if I’m the only one doing the work in my life?”

These questions are so valid and are so present for many of us

And…

What I often remind my clients when these questions arise is “we don’t know”

We don’t know, we can’t be certain, we can’t control it, we can’t predict it. But what we can know with full certainty is that because you’re asking those questions, change is already possible, difference is already in the making.

If the people in our life were asking these questions before we had to ask them ourselves, things might have been different - so imagine now, how much difference you’re making for your further self, your younger self, and those you love and care for around you.

You’re making a difference. Your journey matters. Your questions are important. You’re already enough.

We may not be able to change the past entirely, be we can certainly change the future 🤍

#enough #youareenough #hope #trauma #chnage #family #past #certainty #relationships

I used to wonder what the point of paying attentio

I used to wonder what the point of paying attention to my body was. I questioned what the point of noticing the “where” and “what” of feelings was about….

That’s when I started more readily noticing my emotions as soon as they began arising and became more able to pause. It was and is this pause that allows me a great sense of physical, psychological, and relational agency and autonomy…

Repost from @theeqschool
•
At first this sounds much easier said than done, but with practice it does become more natural.

And the more present you become to your own feelings, the more natural it becomes to simply be present to others when they’re suffering or struggling.

Societally, we are very uncomfortable with emotional discomfort and big feelings. That makes sense, AND we can begin to shift our collective emotional intelligence by recognizing that feelings aren’t good or bad, they just are.
They’re signals, giving us information about our needs and even when they don’t immediately make “sense,” they’re important! They’re usually best navigated when we learn how to meet them with safety, space, and curiosity.

When we’re allowed to be present to our feelings and feel them, not only can they actually soften and move, but we can learn so much more about ourselves and each other.

It makes sense that we want people to feel better - but that says more about what WE want than about what THEY need in that moment.
And to process uncomfortable feelings, we all need to be allowed to feel and be with whatever feelings are present.

And the more comfortable we become being present to our feelings, the more resilient we become; we trust ourselves to navigate emotional difficulty. Then we become better able to support, mirror, and meet others, too.

#presence #emotion #awareness #agency #autonomy #feeling #affect #body #mind #hope #choice #pause #empowerment

“We are most lost and feel most abandoned when w

“We are most lost and feel most abandoned when we have lost touch with our own souls, with our innate style and way of being.…”

Repost from @michaelmeade_mosaicvoices
•
“Throughout history, there have been many different and even divergent answers to the question of what a man might be. There are levels to the question and therefore, levels to the answers. I fear that, in the midst of radical cultural changes, trying to solve the confusions about masculinity at the level of a collective agreement on terms, might result in greater divisions rather than unifying solutions.

At a personal level, our deepest fear can be that there is nothing inside us, that we have no real meaning and can have no purpose in this world. That kind of deeply felt sense of meaning and purpose cannot simply be gained from collective ideas or societal definitions. When faced with the need to support and guide young men facing an uncertain and often unwelcoming world, or young women for that matter, the issue becomes not simply how they might be defined by the outer world, but what they might discover in their own inner world.

At a level which is deeper and also more specific, the core issue becomes awakening to the inherent values in the individual soul. In this old way of understanding what’s at the core of each person, what is really missing in moments of despair is a lack of connection to one’s own soul. Soul is the connective tissue of life that keeps mind and body together and soul secretly connects the masculine and the feminine in each of us.

We are most lost and feel most abandoned when we have lost touch with our own souls, with our innate style and way of being. Since it is likely that the current confusions and polarizations that trouble the world will get worse before they get better, the answers most needed are likely to be found in the depths of our individual souls. For, the soul is the part of us that is not simply overwhelmed by the challenges, disappointments and confusions of life.”

- Michael Meade
#hope #lost #soul #confused #life #meaning #purpose #alone

Two sides of the same coin - while neither sees th

Two sides of the same coin - while neither sees the other side both exist on a simultaneous plane of anticipation - one fear the other excitement….

Repost from @kayatoastforthesoul.sg
•
This is for all of you who are out there embracing your fears.

You and I have shared the same pain. We’ve come to know that fear has so many different facets to it.

From wearing our vulnerabilities and insecurities on our sleeves, we chose to keep walking forward despite the anxiety, worry, and possibilty of failure.

We chose to pursue our passions in exchange of the pretense of stability, because a life of mediocrity and routine wasn’t for us.

We also realised that the pursuit of real connection meant we had to put our hearts on a plate and face up to the possibility of rejection.

But we did it anyway, because what we yearned for was a life that was absolutely worth living.

I’m proud of you.

Be proud of yourself.

A big realisation we had along the way was that fear and excitement were two sides of the same coin.

And that if we continued to run away because of nervousness and fear, what we were also doing was to run away from the thrill and excitement of a meaningful life.

Because the things that cause us the most pain, are also the things we care about most.

You and I, we chose to move forward.

We gave our deepest fears a nod, we comforted them.

And then we kept walking.

Let’s keep walking,
Hernping

🚶🚶🚶

#fear #hope #passion #anxiety #excited #comfort #possibilities #insecurities #self #future #dream #pain #alone #together

Feeling a little bit like the mummy tonight (perha

Feeling a little bit like the mummy tonight (perhaps both literally and figuratively 😅)…

In sure need of some time to unwind!

This one rings true…
Repost from @theeqschool
•
Your boundaries are about you - your needs & limits, including what you feel capable of giving, and what you need to stay healthy, resourced, and solidly like yourself.

What’s inside of that boundary container is very personal and it looks different for each of us, which means that sharing with someone is simultaneously an act of trust and of differentiation — it’s showing someone more of who you are, and that can feel very vulnerable.

When I start to tell you what actually matters to me, I’m both inviting you in and risking the possibility that you won’t be willing to respect my need, limit, or request.

And if you grew up in a family where you were shamed, rejected, or guilted for setting boundaries (or for advocating for yourself), it can be really scary when you start practicing sharing them as an adult.

But in speaking up for your needs and by setting limits between you and others, you’re actually opening yourself to be seen and loved more deeply for who you really are, instead of having to pretend to be what you think others want you to be.

#needs #clarity #compassion #hope #boundaries #beyou #family #boundary #hope #trust #container #vulnerability #courage

May you find freedom from that which haunts you…

May you find freedom from that which haunts you… always grateful for the inspirational wisdom of @creative.clinical.psychologist
•
What I’m really talking about here is trauma and how traumatic or difficult experiences can continue to haunt us. The ghosts of the past dont easily go away, they scare us, wreak havoc in our lives, and can be painful reminders of past pain.

So what can we do about them? Well, the first step is to notice them. Then we can make more helpful choices. Some people may choose to befriend them in therapy. But really facing them is probably not as frightening as a lifetime running away from them.

#hope #trauma #haunted #healing #therapy #ghost #pain #scared #isolation #mentalillness #together #youareenough #lifetime

Repost from @morganpommells • Asking your emotio

Repost from @morganpommells
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Asking your emotionally immature parent to understand your inner world is like trying to tune a radio without an antenna. No matter how much you try, they’re just not equipped to pick up the signal.

True freedom begins when you stop trying to make them ‘get it’ and start tuning into your own clarity and validation.

True freedom begins when you learn to stand strong in yourself, keeping your peace intact no matter how they behave or what they expect from you.

#hope #family #enmeshment #freedom #trauma #dysfunction #expectations #dynamic #fusion #clarity #self

More of this 👂 One of the most supportive thin

More of this 👂

One of the most supportive things you can do for another human is allow a safe environment for them to feel & be where they are emotionally, without trying to fix or change anything. And one way you can do that is by mirroring, which sometimes looks like helping people name how they’re feeling in a validating and non-judgmental way.

This can help all of us learn to be with our feelings with less judgment, and to allow ourselves to feel so that we can move through & learn from our feelings, instead of internalizing, suppressing, or projecting them.

When we’re upset, we’re often not just feeling one feeling. Feelings can be layered and complicated, especially because many of us resist certain feelings we’ve been shamed out of at some point in our lives, so we instead opt to express in a way that we’ve learned is more socially acceptable.

For example, I may feel deeply sad but if I’ve been shamed out of crying, I might continue to say it’s not a big deal and hold back the tears that are begging to be released in an attempt to look strong, or to downplay what’s actually coming up for me.

So when you’re holding space for another, it can be incredibly helpful to mirror back what you notice them experiencing.

“Wow, that sounds super disheartening. It’s okay if you’re feeling disappointed.”

“It sounds like that was really painful to experience.”

“It makes sense to me that you’d be angry! I know how much effort you put into that.”

If we’re learning how to come back to ourselves it can be hard to name what exactly what we’re feeling, but when someone else can accurately name the thing that’s going on inside of us, it touches on something; it validates the feeling, allows it, and makes it safer for it to exist and be present to it.

And simply allowing ourselves to feel what we need to feel can help us calm our nervous system to help us be present with the feeling so that we can actually process it.

This also gives people the space to say, “That’s not quite it...it’s more like this.” which can be very helpful, too.

#help #emotions #listen #feelings #therapy #hurt #support #trauma #reflection #presence #hope

Repost from @magdalenaweinstein • Trauma and rum

Repost from @magdalenaweinstein
•
Trauma and rumination are very interconnected. You might be wondering why I keep talking about this topic, and the truth is, the more I work with trauma, the more I encounter rumination as the core issue. Yes, trauma involves dysregulation, the freeze response, dissociation, thwarted defensive responses, loss of agency, etc., but changes in brain function really reveal the most damaging effects of trauma.

I think rumination is not like a curse we can’t get rid of, but it needs to be addressed as soon as it is noticed because the brain just loves the easier path, the “default mode,” the least expenditure of energy, and rumination is the easiest path after trauma, unfortunately.

Therefore, the aim of trauma recovery should be, in the long term, reducing the noise and repetition of rumination. If that’s not the case and over time there is an increase in rumination, it is probably not trauma healing but re-traumatization, but that’s for another long post.

#rumination #trauma #hope #heal #therapy #thinking #stress #energy #awareness #dysregulation #dissonance #intrusive

Repost from @awakenwithally • Q: “How do you h

Repost from @awakenwithally
•
Q: “How do you help self-abandonment when you realize you lost yourself only afterward?”

1. Start by accepting where you are.

Self-abandonment is a pretty intense and deep pattern, so, at first, chances are you’ll realize it afterward. Recognize that this is where you’re starting: you’re on a journey to bring more presence to moments of self-abandonment.

The more you relate differently to the pattern, even afterward, the more seen and acknowledged the pattern will feel rather than judged or rejected.

2. Be gentle with yourself during this transition.

You’re in a transitional phase, moving from habitual self-abandonment to staying tethered and true to yourself.

During this time, it’s normal for self-abandonment to still happen. Rather than pressuring yourself “to not abandon yourself”, practice holding space for both: abandonment and connection.

3. Understand what you’re abandoning.

Is it your body, a discomfort, your truth, needs, a hurt, or your vulnerability? Once you know this, you can begin to nurture those areas.

For instance, if you notice that you often abandon your needs, make it a practice to discover and honor them ongoingly, and be kind when you don’t.

The more you practice honoring your needs, the more your system will associate honoring needs with safety rather than threat. Over time, the impulse to self-abandon softens, and your connection to yourself is more accessible, even when triggered.

4. Attune to “the abandoned body”

Self-abandonment is a response to neglect and misattunement that is deeply imprinted in our body. It tells you that there is a part of you that feels hurt, disconnected and out of control. Can you turn towards your body and say, “I’m so sorry for all the moments when no one was here but I’ll do my best to be with you now.”

Healing self-abandonment requires patience and deep self-attunement.

Love,
Ally.
#abandoned #hope #trauma #loss #alone #neglect #abuse #hurt #selflove #depression #ptsd #cptsd

Repost from @theeqschool • When we’re living o

Repost from @theeqschool
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When we’re living out old patterns, we spend a lot of time feeling disconnected from our worth, our agency, and the joy of the present moment.

When we’re living out old patterns, it’s easy to get wrapped up in other people’s problems, chaos, and drama —
to believe that our worth hinges on what we provide for others. To ignore our own needs and the signals from our bodies telling us when to pause, step back, or turn toward what DOES work for us.

But when we start to see our patterns, we can begin to see our role in the perpetuation of the pattern.

We can see that the pattern didn’t start with us and that our disconnection from and downplaying of our self isn’t actually necessary to stay connected to other people.

We can give ourselves the space to grieve what we needed but didn’t get.

Which means we can start the journey of reconnecting to our own needs and worth.

And the more we listen to our own signals and give ourselves what we need, the more connected we feel to our worth, and the more deeply we trust ourselves — even in really difficult moments.

And the more we trust ourselves, the more resilient we become.

And the more we feel connected to our own worth and needs, the less drawn we are toward those who don’t see us.
(Their journey is their own, and you no longer need them to see or validate you.)
And the more connected you are to your own light, the more your people, the people who also trust in their worth, will be drawn toward connecting with you.

What a beautiful journey it can be - and I assure you, it is possible. I work with cycle breakers - people finding way their back to themselves, the first to break the painful generational cycles, who are learning to find love, connection, and joy in the present moment.

#healing #hope #selfawareness #self #chaos #pattern #trust #trauma

Repost from @drscottlyons • Just because people

Repost from @drscottlyons
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Just because people in your past haven’t been able to meet your needs or even recognize them doesn’t mean you don’t deserve to have them.

The pain of neglect is sometimes called the emotional desert, the trauma of absence. It can be harder to identify because there wasn’t a specific event. And in the absence of a clear narrative or understanding as to why – we fill in the blanks, often making ourselves the origin and reason of the neglect. Blaming ourselves for the absence of their emotional presence and responsiveness is often done as a means of more control in navigating the pain.

Those stories that we create as to “why” it happened become the running script for how we operate and perceive the world:

“If I ask for what I need, they will leave me.”
“I take up too much space in this world.”
“I will be accepted more if I stay quiet.”

In reality, the absence of someone else’s presence or ability to attend to someone else’s needs is a reflection of their capacity, what was modeled for them generationally, or the lack of resources in the environment or culture that could allow them to feel grounded and safe enough to connect to someone else (via the other person’s needs).

What are some stories you’ve told yourself about your needs? How are you learning to rewrite them?

#trauma #neglect #hope #selfblame

Repost from @aedpinstitute • How do you undo alo

Repost from @aedpinstitute
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How do you undo aloneness and co-create safety?

“For relational work to be effective, it is not sufficient for the therapist to be caring, empathic, affirming, or validating. Those ways of being are effective if and only if the patient is able to receive that which the therapist is offering. “

#experience #therapy #attachment #relational #hope #alone #loneliness #relationships #compassion

Yes I love this understanding! People pleasing (

Yes I love this understanding!

People pleasing (fawning) really is a form of self-protection that can emerge from any nervous system state that is responding to a threat…

Repost from @sarahbcoaching
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Fawning (or people pleasing) is not a state in our nervous system but a self-protective behavior.

This means it can happen in any one of our three self-protective states of dysregulation, and depending on what state you’re most familiar with, the way you fawn can look and feel very different in your body.

Here are just a few examples of what fawning can look like:

➡️ In Sympathetic (mobilized state of fight/flight), we’re fueled by anxiety to do things like: say “yes” to something we don’t want to do, overly focus on what the other person wants/needs and become that thing for them, etc.

➡️ In Freeze (blended state of tonic immobility), we have a lot of fear/anxiety inside but we’re unable to do or say anything and appease in our silence.

➡️ In Dorsal (immobilized state of shut down), when we find ourselves in a situation we don’t want to be in or is unsafe for us, we begin to shut down or leave our body and comply with whatever we think the situation is asking of us.

As you can see, these are all fawning behaviors but they look really different depending on what’s happening in our system.

What’s most important to remember is that fawning is nothing to be ashamed of. It’s a beautiful way you found to survive and protect yourself!

Healing is what allows us to come back home to ourselves and create the safety we need to show up more authentically with others.

That is possible for all of us, my friend.

With kindness,
Sarah

#peoplepleasing #fawn #freeze #hope #nervous #threat #protection #state #survival #possibilities

This couldn’t be more true - “healing is not a

This couldn’t be more true - “healing is not about losing or abandoning parts of ourselves…”

Repost from @kayatoastforthesoul.sg
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I want you to know that you are not alone in this feeling.

Though this feeling will have profoundly different meanings for me and you.

In fact, this post was inspired by someone I spoke to a week or two ago.

Who amidst her struggles, thoughtfully questioned to me the below.

She wondered:

“What if I’ve grown so comfortable in this pain? That if I chose to heal, I’ll lose all that I am?”

And her words stroke a chord in me, inevitably making me reflect on a past of my own.

A time when I was filled with so much hurt, past the verge of despairing.

But yet, a hurt that was so familiar.

The sadness and anger of that time uncontrollable, uncomfortable, but all parts of me that I’ve come to known.

Back then, the uncertainty of change scared me.

How could I embrace a different version of myself previously unimaginable?

But the truth is this, if I stayed in that state, you probably would never know me as of this day.

Nor I know you too as well.

—

So to that person, I gathered my thoughts and pondered the question.

And the answer is this, to those who wonder the same.

Healing is NOT about losing parts of ourselves.

Nor are we abandoning them in the depths of our memory.

This part of me I mentioned above? I still carry it every single day. .

And in all honest truth I can tell you this, it’s a part of me that I know even better now.

For healing was when I decided to stopped fighting myself, to start doing all the things that mattered.

And this part of me that’s there, is pretty much the same but still different.

For in the process of healing, it told me this instead.

“It wanted to turn its despair into something good, much like empathy for others, kindness and strength.”

And that’s what we’ve been journeying on. Even on this night I can feel its presence there.

Knowing it’s not forgotten, but proud of us instead.

And I gladly bring this part of me, doing all the things we wanted to do.

Thriving? Perhaps. Still healing, of course.

Along with all the parts of me that I own 🙂

Take care,
Hernping
#hope #trauma

Change can be hard and certainly scary; be gentle

There is nothing more empowering than coming to se

There is nothing more empowering than coming to see that it was in the complexities of what did not happen, that what happened occurred. This is why the “mundane” often becomes the sneaky awakeneing of the embodied past…

Repost from @theempoweredtherapist
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For complex trauma survivors, their triggers could be anywhere and anything. This is because their experience of trauma likely occurred in the midst of their everyday life. When trauma occurs in the mundane, activation can occur when we least expect it.

The medical community’s understanding of PTSD is that there was a single event that took place that led to the diagnosis. Plainly, PTSD is a diagnosis best aligned with what we refer to as single-incident trauma. And the truth is, many of us don’t experience single-incident trauma, rather we experience complexity in our traumas, such that traumatic internal experiences occur while we are enduring many and frequent external experiences of too much, too fast for our nervous system.

And before you feel doomed by what I’m sharing, I want you to know that complex trauma simply requires complex healing strategies. This means, there is no one right way to heal, to cope, to move away from your past. Rather, we can begin to shift our relationship with our bodies and our triggers and bring about big relief.

As you are able, notice how your body feels in different settings. Allow yourself to see when you feel relatively safe. Invite your body to rest around healthy people. Notice when you feel slightly more okay.

Be so freaking gentle with yourself that you feel the safest you can possibly feel with yourself.

To those of you working on softening to yourself so that you can feel more hopeful in your healing, I see you.

#trauma #hope #trigger #cptsd #healing #body #mind #soft #relationships

What if we are not sabotaging ourselves- what if r

What if we are not sabotaging ourselves- what if rather we are protecting ourselves?

Repost from @lexyflorentina
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So much of our shame and stuckness can be softened when we stop seeing our patterns as self sabotage but rather, self protection.

Our physiological and psychological experience of self protection can come through in a variety of ways: behaviors, beliefs, somatic responses, habits, impulses, parts of ourselves.

#selfsabotage #protection #hope #self #parts #trauma #pattern #reaction #pain #sadness #shame #experience

Valuable wisdom by @theeqschool This doesn’t m

Valuable wisdom by @theeqschool

This doesn’t mean we try to cause harm or that we don’t care about how people feel; it means over time we create greater trust and more safety in relationship when we allow others to be present to and responsible for their own feelings.

If we never let other people experience disappointment, we don’t show that we trust in their ability as human beings to learn and grow and navigate their own emotional lives. We make ourselves more important in their story than we should be by assuming responsibility for THEIR process of navigating of THEIR feelings.

So many of us have learned that discomfort leads to disconnection because of the shame surrounding hard feelings, so in order to change that story we have to learn how to sit with discomfort while maintaining connection.

We’ll then slowly learn that we or they can be sad, disappointed, angry, etc and yet we can still maintain our connection to the people we love.

What does this mean in relationship?

It means letting go of the deep belief that your worth in relationship is contingent upon another person’s emotional state.

It means learning to sit through awkward moments when someone really wants something from you that you aren’t willing to give, and not making either of you wrong for wanting what you want.

It means letting people have their feelings without immediately trying to cheer them up or distract them.

And it means learning that you can validate their feelings of discomfort without giving in and backing down.

**a note that feelings and behavior are, of course, not synonymous. We should absolutely feel and express hard feelings, but that does not excuse harmful, manipulative, or abusive behavior.**

Sometimes we just need to be reminded that we are

Sometimes we just need to be reminded that we are no longer alone…

#quote #alone #lonliness #lonley #sadness #hope #strength #courage #searching #connection #together #fear

Repost from @ourembodiedhealing • When we’ve b

Repost from @ourembodiedhealing
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When we’ve been suffering the effects of trauma for a long time, we’re often desperate for relief. BIG relief. Undeniable relief. Something in us feels on guard, shut down, and deeply unsafe, and we want that to stop. We want our nervous system to learn to finally feel safe, so we can finally feel normal.

What I’ve also noticed is that we’re usually thinking of this safety as an all-or-nothing thing: either I feel safe, or I don’t. But if those are the only two options, feeling safe actually becomes way more unattainable, both because we live in an uncertain and wild world, and because our nervous system isn’t binary (i.e. there’s no “safe/not safe” switch that gets flipped!).

The dream of “feeling safe” might be to feel totally, completely at ease, but the reality of feeling safe looks a lot less dramatic. In order to teach our nervous system how to shift out of survival mode, we have to begin to attune to and cultivate very small, very ordinary, and usually not-so-complete experiences of feeling safe FIRST.

Feeling safe in small degrees can actually feel neutral, or just ok. It can feel like the edge has been taken off, or like something’s a little lighter, even when discomfort’s still there.

Feeling safe can mean we feel a *little* safer, but not 100% safe; safe *enough* for a moment, but not as safe as we’d like or deserve.

Feeling incremental shifts of relative safety IS the path to learning to feel more safe, more of the time. These small, subtle, short-lived moments of feeling even a tiny bit safer are the seeds from which we grow our capacity for living life beyond survival and adaptive protection, and for feeling the bigger relief we’re seeking.

#safeenough #safe #allornone #hope #protection #trauma #survival #fears #living

“Our attachment systems are designed for others

“Our attachment systems are designed for others to help us…”

Repost from @the.holistic.psychologist
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Many people believe they have an addictive personality. But on a deeper level, what they’re struggling with is: an inability to self soothe.

When we can’t soothe ourselves (which just means feel and calm down from an emotional experience)— we seek external things that will do this for us. This can be substances, shopping, gambling, chronic scrolling, sex, or anything else that relieves and distracts us.

We learn how to self soothe beginning at birth. For babies and young children, developmentally, there is no such thing as self soothing. We need co-regulation— or an adult who sees us struggling and offers calm support a majority of the time. Through this experience we develop the ability to self soothe. We understand “ok, when I am upset I can breathe, feel intense emotions, and know they will eventually pass.” This gives us the ability to cope and navigate the future stressors of life.

If we don’t have attuned parent figures who noticed our stress and help us calm from it— we start to become overtaken by our emotional experience. Our attachment systems are designed for others to help us, and instead we learn: “I must do this alone. No one can help me. I’m too overwhelmed.” Children with this experience will start to cope in many ways: chronic day dreaming, using food to calm/numb, or “acting out” behaviors (an attempt to seek connection.)

Later, they will become adults with addictive personalities. They will seek external things to relief internal feelings. Even if those behaviors bring them misery, pain, or a loss of control.

The beautiful part of all of this is that we can learn how to self soothe at any age. We can slowly, widen our nervous system window of tolerance and respond to our emotions rather than react to them.

We are not on default settings, and can always heal.
#alone #addict #addiction #trauma #hope #recovery #ptsd #cptsd #regulation #development

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Chele Yntema is a Registered Practicing Counsellor with The Psychotherapy & Counselling Federation of Australia.

In the spirit of reconciliation I acknowledges the Traditional Custodians of Country throughout Australia and their connections to land, sea and community. I pay my respect to their Elders past and present and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today.

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