Respect

I can see you. And I can remain with what is true for me.

So much of what we wrestle with in our closest relationships sits beneath one question. Is it alright to stay with my own position when it moves against those we love?

Many of us learned young that respecting someone meant agreeing with them, going along, keeping their pain away. Our systems organised around this adaptively and well. Agreement became safety. Going along became belonging. And something more vital within was set aside, unbeknownst to us, in the service of keeping connection alive.

Respect, as we are defining it here, asks something gentler and something harder all at once. To see an Other. To care about the impact of our actions upon them. And to remain with what we know to be true within our own Self.

When we stay with what matters, there is sometimes an impact upon an Other, and that impact is real. We can remain accountable to our decisions and to the impact we have, knowing exactly why we made them, whilst allowing an Other to stay with their own feelings, and to take responsibility for theirs.

This is steadying work, yet such knowing rarely emerges alone. It becomes reachable within co-regulated connection, where our own position may be spoken and met.

Both of us may stay.

More on this here: cheleyntema.com/boundaries-and-needs/