The Battle of Needs Negotiation: Boundaries

Simply put our core needs are those that are not negotiable as human beings – these are the needs that underscore our innate survival based emotional-motivational circuits and the embodied mechanisms that ultimately influence our actions.  These needs are connection, protection, autonomy, and belonging with communicative meaning-making.  More expressively:

Connection

Connection can be seen as that which establishes coherence and the fluid adaptive flows of integrated elements across time.  Connection is the foundation to a sense of CARE and that something holds contextual continuity; it is felt sense of sense, a pleasant low affect and the safety that opens flourishing fulfilment. 

In relation to our core needs connection is underscored by the neurobiological structures that hold a universal knowing of our innate needs for CARE.  The affective and neuroceptive knowledge that propels the troubled youngling toward the caregiver in times of distress. 

In adulthood, with an integrated secure sense of Self, connection may be the connectedness one has to Self (and parts), the connectedness one holds to an Other (inclusive of Spiritual or Divine Other’s), as well as the connectedness one holds to the World (sociocultural embeddedness).

Protection

Protection can be seen as that which is the means or method of defending Self or an Other.  It is the foundation to a sense of FEAR and the knowledge that one is not exposed to undue vulnerability and when one is that one has means to be shielded or guarded against the impeding danger.

In relation to our core needs protection is underscored by the neurobiological structures that hold a universal knowing of our innate needs for safety.  The affective and neuroceptive knowledge that propels flight, flock, frenzy, fight, force, ferociousness, freeze, freak, feign, and flop actions.

In adulthood, with an integrated secure sense of Self, protection may be the various modes of sensing-perceiving-interpreting and responding from a sense of Self; the balanced patterns of interaction with Others and the World that are taken to remain free from threat.

Autonomy

Autonomy can be seen as the quality of self-governance that allows the Self to attain intrinsic or value-based needs and desires.  It is the foundation to a sense of interdependence and the knowledge that one can act in one’s own agency and in alignment of one’s own volition.

In relation to our core needs autonomy is underscored by the neurobiological structures that hold a universal knowing of our innate needs for agency.  The affective and neuroceptive knowledge that propels frustration and annoyance and the predisposition of RAGE based activation toward fight, force, or ferociousness.

In adulthood, with an integrated secure sense of Self, autonomy may be the sense of freedom and agency to act with choice and self-determination from a sense of authenticity and empowerment.

Belonging with Communicative meaning-making

Whilst belonging can be seen as a sense of orientation toward another that allows the Self to remain protected and connected, belonging cannot occur without a sense of Self being resonantly seen, heard, understood, accepted, valued, and delighted in by an Other.  Such a sense only occurring through implicit and explicit means of communicative meaning-making – where the Other reflects the Self and the Self reciprocates which in turn is reflected by the Other in care.

In relation to our core needs belonging with communicative meaning-making is underscored by the neurobiological structures that hold a universal knowing of our innate needs for mourning and meaning.  The affective and neuroceptive knowledge that propels the activation of PANIC/GRIEF and the orientation toward an Other in times of confusion and loss.

In adulthood, with an integrated secure sense of Self, belonging with communicative meaning-making may be the embodied sense of being with an Other or in the World with direction and purpose and the sense that Self makes sense.

With these core needs defined, it may be here necessary to rearticulate that, if we have not grown up in a secure environment quite often, rather than holding an embodied secure sense of Self as significant and of worthy of connection, protection, autonomy, and belonging with communicative meaning-making, there may be an insecure dissonant sense of mistrust and fear when connecting to either Self, Other, or the World (known as insecure attachment) that requires additional support of a therapeutic Other that will work with you in understanding your authentic sense of Self and the innate needs that were neglected and/or abused.

With this in mind, I move to briefly extrapolate what the above outlined core needs might look like in adulthood, and what they certainly do not look like – what they are not.  It may be important to here, should a sense of fear, anger, or grief arise from the times where these needs have gone unmet within relationships, to take the time to pause and acknowledge those losses with compassion.  Perhaps even taking a compassionate moment to come back to Self if you are pushed beyond your Window of Capacity.