The Battle of Needs Negotiation: Boundaries

Simply put, our core needs are those that are not negotiable as human beings.

These are the needs that underscore our innate survival based emotional-motivational circuits and the embodied mechanisms that ultimately influence our actions.

These needs are connection, protection, autonomy, and belonging with communicative meaning-making. More expressively:

Connection

Connection can be seen as that which establishes coherence and the fluid adaptive flows of integrated elements across time. Connection is the foundation to a sense of CARE and that something holds contextual continuity; it is the felt sense of making sense, a pleasant low affect and the safety that opens flourishing fulfilment.

In relation to our core needs connection is underscored by the neurobiological structures that hold a universal knowing of our innate needs for CARE. The affective and neuroceptive knowledge that propels the troubled youngling toward the caregiver in times of distress.

Proximity comes first and is the ground beneath connection. Long before there is anyone to be close to in any considered way, the body moves toward warmth, and an Other moves toward the body, and the two settle together. This is the embodied knowing that distress may be met, alive well before we have language for it.

Connection is what that proximity becomes once a Self is available to sense who is near and to reach with intention, the felt

 continuity of being with an Other that 

persists across time, across distance, and across absence.

In adulthood, with an integrated secure sense of Self, connection may be the connectedness one has to Self (and parts), the connectedness one holds to an Other (inclusive of Spiritual or Divine Others), as well as the connectedness one holds to the World (sociocultural embeddedness).

Protection

Protection can be seen as that which is the means or method of defending Self or an Other. It is the foundation to a sense of FEAR and the knowledge that one is not exposed to undue vulnerability, and when one is, that one has means to be shielded or guarded against the impending danger.

In relation to our core needs protection is underscored by the neurobiological structures that hold a universal knowing of our innate needs for safety. The affective and neuroceptive knowledge that propels flight, flock, frenzy, fight, force, ferociousness, freeze, freak, feign, and flop actions. Alarm comes first and is the ground beneath protection.

Where threat is sensed, the body organises toward survival without waiting for our permission, orienting, mobilising, or going still according to what the moment seems to allow.

This is the embodied knowing that danger is near, alive well before we have language for it. Protection is what that alarm becomes once a Self is available to appraise what is actually happening, the discernment through which we come to know what warrants our defending and what may safely be moved toward.

In adulthood, with an integrated secure sense of Self, protection may be the various modes of sensing-perceiving-interpreting and responding from a sense of Self (and parts), the discernment one brings to an Other (the knowing of who may be moved toward and who may be moved away from), as well as the balanced patterns of interaction one holds within the World (the systems, structures, and demands one meets whilst remaining free from threat).

Autonomy

Autonomy can be seen as the quality of self-governance that allows the Self to attain intrinsic or value-based needs and desires. It is the foundation to a sense of interdependence and the knowledge that one can act in one’s own agency and in alignment with one’s own volition.

In relation to our core needs autonomy is underscored by the neurobiological structures that hold a universal knowing of our innate needs for agency. The affective and neuroceptive knowledge that propels frustration and annoyance and the predisposition of RAGE based activation toward fight, force, or ferociousness.

Agency comes first and is the ground beneath autonomy. Where SEEKING is thwarted and our freedom of action is curtailed, RAGE arises. This is the embodied knowing that we are the author of our own movement, alive well before we have language for it. Autonomy is what that agency becomes once a S

elf is available to appraise its own action against what matters, the inner endorsement of what we do as arising from and belonging to us.

In adulthood, with an integrated secure sense of Self, autonomy may be the freedom and agency to act with choice and self-determination from a sense of authenticity and empowerment within Self (and parts), the capacity to remain the author of o

ne’s own action alongside an Other (whilst connection continues), as well as the volition to move within the World (the roles, obligations, and expectations one may come to endorse as one’s own).

Belonging with Communicative meaning-making

Whilst belonging can be seen as a sense of orientation toward another that allows the Self to remain protected and connected, belonging cannot occur without a sense of Self being resonantly seen, heard, understood, accepted, valued, and delighted in by an Other. Such a sense only occurring through implicit and explicit means of communicative meaning-making, where the Other reflects the Self and the Self reciprocates, which in turn is reflected by the Other in care.

In relation to our core needs belonging with communicative meaning-making is underscored by the neurobiological structures that hold a universal knowing of our innate needs for mourning and meaning.

The affective and neuroceptive knowledge that propels the activation of PANIC/GRIEF and the orientation toward an Other in times of confusion and loss. Separation distress comes first and is the ground beneath belonging. Where the Other is gone, the body cries out, and the crying out is itself the first communication, a signal sent into the space between in the hope that something answers. This is the embodied knowing that we are not made to be alone, alive well before we have language for it. Belonging is what that distress becomes once a Self is available to be recognised and to recognise in return, the reciprocal meaning-making through which we come to have a place that continues whether or not the Other is presently in the room.

In adulthood, with an integrated secure sense of Self, belonging with communicative meaning-making may be the sense that Self makes sense (and that parts may be known), the embodied sense of being with an Other (resonantly seen, heard, understood, accepted, valued, and delighted in), as well as the sense of being in the World with direction and purpose (a place among others that continues across time).

With these core needs defined, it may be here necessary to rearticulate that, where we have grown up in environments that were less than secure, the embodied sense of Self as significant and worthy of connection, protection, autonomy, and belonging with communicative meaning-making forms unevenly.

What tends to form alongside it is an insecure and dissonant sense of mistrust and fear when connecting to Self, Other, or the World (known as insecure attachment). This is territory that asks for the additional support of a therapeutic Other who will work alongside you in coming to know your authentic sense of Self and the innate needs that went unmet, neglected, or abused.

With this in mind, we move to name what the above outlined core needs might look like in adulthood, and what they certainly do not look like, and, further on, what they are not. It may be important here, should a sense of fear, anger, or grief arise from the times where these needs have gone unmet within relationships, to take the time to pause and acknowledge those losses with compassion. Perhaps even taking a compassionate moment to come back to Self if you find yourself moved beyond your Window of Capacity.