The Unbeknownst of Shame Part Two: Cultivating Resolve by Bringing Clarity to Confusion and Trust to Doubt.

Quite often there are nuanced aspects within interpersonal dynamics that can easily go amiss.  Shame is one such nuance.  Importantly however, when we bring such nuances to light, we open awareness and the potential for compassionate curiosity.

That is, with nuanced awareness we can begin to cultivate a level of emotional differentiation between the parts of our Self that have been awakened (“triggered”) and the actions of Others that may have awakened them.  This in turn opens us to the possibility of caringly connecting back to our Self in acknowledgement of the threats we sense, the danger we feel, and importantly to access what may be needed in that moment for Self-safety.

I want to first bring clarity to the two aspects of fragmenting shame that often go amiss in interpersonal dynamics and what we might see as the “function” of its use by others.  I shall then follow this with an interpretation of what can often occur internally including what we might see as the protective intrapersonal dynamics that unfold when fragmenting shame is awakened within us.

Interpersonal Dynamics of Shame

As you may remember from our primary discussion there are two aspects within any dynamic of shame.  The first is that there is an act of shaming and the second is that there is a sense of feeling ashamed.  That is, there is the one who is (explicitly/intentionally or implicitly/unintentionally) using “shame” and there is the one who is feeling “shame”. 

With this in mind, it may now be helpful to know that whilst there are varied perspectives on the morality of acts of shaming (are they ever truly needed?), there are certain outcomes that render it harmful – no matter the implicit or explicit intent.  Such outcomes certainly involve a lack of relational repair, however, may also include interpersonal power imbalances that on the one hand perpetuate an aversion of responsibility and accountability, and on the other hand a felt-sense of helplessness and a lack of self-efficacy.  Further to this we might understand the shame-power link as:

1. Being shamed may be an act of up-power.
2. Using shame may divert attention away from Self, Other, or Group.
3. Using shame may allow for the one shaming to avert/avoid responsibility or accountability.
4. Using shame may create and maintain hierarchical structures based in dominance-subordination dynamics rather than equality and equanimity.

Now that we have briefly created some discernment in the links between shame and power and why others may use acts of shaming, we can begin to acknowledge the unique harm that was done to us, the ongoing threats that it posed, and how it may have impacted who we are.

One such way might be to have a look at the more common intrapersonal dynamics that can emerge from fragmenting shame and indeed when acts of shaming have been ongoing in our lives.

Intrapersonal Dynamics of Fragmenting Shame

Personally and professionally, I have come to fathom that although we each have very unique internal dynamics, there is a certain sequential cascade that seems to occur in fragmenting shame when a sense of feeling ashamed arises.  This cascade (as adapted from Sweezy, 2023 and Benau, 2020) might reflect the following past-to-present dynamics:

1. There were continued incidents of rupture without repair between Self, Other(s), and or the World – past occurrences, including yet not limited to:
   • Incidents of “too much, too fast, too soon, too long” or “too little, too late” wherein our capacity to cope was overwhelmed, and we were not meet with the relational support to digest or metabolise the experiences (Lacy, 2024 based in Peter Levine and Gabor Mate’s definition of trauma).
   • The felt sense of overwhelm and confusion, alarm and panic alongside an interpretation of aspects of Self as “wrong”, “bad”, “unworthy”, “damaged”, “less-than”, “alone”, and/or the like.
2. There was an internalisation or merging into Self-identity of such incidents – past occurrence.
3. There is an act of shaming and/or a sense of being ashamed – present occurrence.
4. Therein emerges a sense of disconnection and in that an affect of alarm/panic that somatically matches past repeated occurrences.
5. Therein lies a part that holds the felt-sense of wrongness / badness / unworthiness / damaged-ness / less-than-ness / smallness / aloneness (refer here to a list of possible core-belief’s held by vulnerable parts).
6. Therein a part might try to make-sense of the disconnection by questioning and doubting Self’s actions within the present occurrence.
7. Therein a part might emerge and take responsibility and accountability for the disconnection and begin to condemn and blame Self.
8. Therein proactive parts might arise to take action to instigate repair or prevent future occurrences by:
   • Generalising and heightening the expectation or anticipation of criticism, humiliation, invalidation, belittlement, denigration, and/or the like (the one becomes the all).
   • Responding by appeasing, submitting, sacrificing, perfecting, silencing, or any action that might reduce vulnerability and maintain a felt sense of belonging (refer here to a list of possible proactive parts).
9. Therein reactive parts might arise to “back-up” proactive parts when repair or prevention fails to provide a felt sense of safety. Such may appear to be:
   • Responding by dissociating, Self or Other injuring, substance using, ideating, fantasizing, splitting, protesting, demanding, raging, or any action that may immediately remedy the alarm or panic stemming from the ashamed parts that cannot be quelled by the more proactive parts (refer here to a list of possible reactive parts).

It may here be wise to remember that these dynamics and the nuances of shame are subjective and even where there may be commonalities there are equally variances.  Your external and internal experiences of what have occurred, and the sequential cascade that occurs when a sense of feeling ashamed arises can only be truly known by you.  Therefore, whilst the abovenamed articulation of cascades and “prototypical” parts may help to express your internal dynamics and how they first began, never forget that your experience is subjective to you, and variance is valid and valuable.

With this named, let us now move more into the aspects that may help us to work with these dynamic nuances with practices that open space to sense into and see the knowing knowns of Self.  This shall be established within a process of compassionately connecting to the aspects of the past that have yet to be feel resonantly seen, heard, understood, accepted, and held in value and worth.