Helpful (true) Guilt & Unhelpful (false) Guilt

It is that gnawing feeling from within, the one that we so often describe by saying “I feel terrible” or “I feel bad” …. 

A sense from deep inside that raises our awareness to our actions – one may say it is the moral consciousness instilled in us from a young age, the internalised judgment that intends to let us know we have ‘transgressed’ against that which is valued.

Yet what happens when this internalised judgement we name guilt goes askew?

When healthy acknowledgement and accountability for transgression turns into condemnation and confusion between action and identity?  What happens when “I feel bad” manifests into “I am bad”?  What happens when an assessment of action turns into an assessment of human value?

What happens is a conflated sense of guilt and shame.  Guilt that turns unhealthy and often then fuses to a sense of being ashamed of one’s actions.

These are the often blended parts of us that have internalised the guilting and shaming actions of others as we grew up; particularly if we grew up in worlds filled with rigid expectations, disapproval, blame, and fear for that which was beyond our control. 

With this said, knowing the distinction between these two self-conscious emotions can help us to differentiate the two.  This in turn can help us to see the parts of us that arise in certain relational situations and to know, with more certainty, what belongs – what is true of ourselves.  With understanding and differentiation of emotions, particularly these self-conscious emotions, we can begin to feel more empowered through an embodied secure knowing that what we know to be true of ourselves can be trusted.

Primarily it is important to be aware that while guilt is a cognitively assessed feeling that holds a specific assessment of action as it relates to our moral beliefs and values, shame is an embodied and relational emotional experience that holds a global assessment of our value as a human.  In other words, the parts of us that feel guilt can be seen as the parts of us that bring awareness to any actions that went against our sense of morality and/or had a negative impact on others.  When healthy, it is this feeling of guilt that allows us to take accountability for the impact that our actions had on another.  In other words, we are empowered by guilt to restore any relational ruptures that those actions cause.  

Comparatively, the parts of us that feel shame are often the parts of us that hold a sense of being inadequate, fundamentally flawed, or without worth; when others use blaming-shaming tactics when we are young, parts of us begin to doubt our own autonomy and our authentic sense of Self.  Younger parts that have repeatedly experienced shaming (identity based), rather than guilting (action based), may often feel a sense of disconnected vulnerability (disempowerment) when mistakes are made.  These younger parts of us that feel disempowered are often subconsciously exiled as we begin to develop parts that begin to protect us from potential mistakes by using an internal dialogue of self-referential criticism and by taking on a disproportionate sense of responsibility for others. 

It is essential to acknowledge that the parts of us that use this dialogue of self-referential reproach holds well intentioned purpose; this is a part of you that serves to predict and to protect you from further perceived failures and/or external perceived disapproval, disappointment, disparagement (disconnection).  The part of you that holds a disproportionate sense of responsibility for others may serve protect you from feelings of helplessness or isolation (being alarmed and alone in that disconnection).  It is important to remember that both parts are there to shield your authentic sense of Self from an Other’s harsh rejection and to maintain a sense of significance and belonging.

Another way to understand the ways guilt conflates with a sense of being ashamed is that, throughout our lifespan in times of vulnerability, we may have experienced excessive levels of relational disconnection caused by unattainable or rigid expectations, disproportionate disappointment, disapproval, disparagement, or unreasonable blame for that which was beyond our control.  This creates the self-referential judgements and doubt that can begin to conflate and confuse a sense of responsibility and accountability for a transgression: guilt becomes unhelpful spiralling quickly into a cycle of shame.

In this cycle of shame we may sense our actions have created relational disconnect – there is conflict – parts of us perceive (or are told) that our actions have harmed an Other, a feeling of guilt begins to arise, we feel vulnerable and alone – what was the action that caused this sudden or severe disconnect?  Parts of us feel overwhelmed by confusion, unsure what it was yet sure it was us that caused this.  Parts want to interpret our actions as wrong or bad, they search inside of the mistake yet cannot grasp onto exactly what was done…  Vulnerable parts begin to create subjective links where perhaps there were no objective links – parts begin to interpret the mistakes as ours and due to our alarmed aloneness, confusion and overwhelm leads us to the only conclusion parts can make sense of – it is our whole being that is at fault and faulty.  Parts of us who were so vulnerable, who needed to know it was safe to make mistakes without being emotionally rejected or abandoned, were left alone to conclude that they are to blame, that this is their shame to bear.

Ouch! It is no wonder so many suffer in silence, confused and alone.

This is why I have chosen to elaborate on these important feelings of guilt – both those which are helpful and true, and those which are unhelpful and may be instigating spirals of shame.  By differentiating the two forms of guilt it is my hopes to begin to help you to acknowledge what is true for you, and to begin to break free from this sense of false guilt.  I do note however, in offering some practices that may assist you in the identification of the two forms of guilt, this particular post does not elaborate on the much deeper topic of shame.

Rather, this might be the first step toward an internal sense of knowing that which you are responsible and accountable for – helpful guilt – to know when unhelpful guilt shows up.  Further, this differentiation can assist us in understanding why unhelpful guilt may show up and how it became an important protective part of you.